I want to be comfortable with my new normal. I want to wrap up this uncomfortable period, put the divorce behind me, and accept all the changes that have come with it. I’ve experienced so much turmoil because of their divorce, and I’m anxious for it to all come to a close. When I consider all that, it feels like my struggles are irrelevant and unimportant-it felt babyish to rest my mounting depression and anxiety on my parents’ divorce. My mom has found a boyfriend, and even though I can’t help but shake a feeling of resentment towards him, I know it’s not about him-even at 18, I can’t help but feel that there’s a man I’ve hardly met who’s trying to replace my dad. My father is bouncier, more fun to be around, more excited to talk, and building new friendships and relationships. My parents are still friends, they talk multiple times a week, and they’re both happier. It’s hard for me to stop feeling the classic trope of “kid feeling like it’s his fault,” but also that of a new one: “my situation isn’t that bad.” I’ve struggled with my parents’ impending (the papers still aren’t filed) divorce in many ways, but in the end I feel guilt, and omnipresence of two tropes. I suspect it’s become an open secret among my extended family. I’ve felt unwilling and uninterested in discussing it publicly, only allowing close family and friends to know. The divorce has somehow been a shameful thing for me, and my parents have been co-conspirators in that shame-they haven’t seemed keen on me announcing it via Twitter thread. For much of my life-from the age of six, when we moved to LA and I became a working actor, all the way to today as an 18-year-old, my personal life has been mostly public. I’ve kept it a secret from the public, something I’ve not really ever done before. Their divorce has changed me more than I’d like to admit, from my personal demeanor, to the way I’ve pushed away friends and how I turned to social media as a form of solace and of an escape, to how I treat other people around me.
I’ve gone through a lot of stages since they broke the news more than a year ago, but that feeling of not knowing where I was physically or who to talk to has, for the most part, stayed.Īnd despite the time that has passed, there still isn’t an ending to it as far as I can see.
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